The Arachnid's Appeal
by trekqueen
Summary: Shelob writes a letter to her buddy Sauron. Open Scrolls Archive ficlet challenge entry for Letters From... Yes, this is meant to be funny. MEFA 2007 Nominee


Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Tolkien; I make nothing financially off of this piece.

Author's Note: A challenge entry for the Open Scrolls Archive challenge of "Letters from…" Thank you to Rhapsody for the beta and bunny discussion that helped develop this ficlet! This letter is from Shelob to Sauron.

* * *

16th of March, 3019 Third Age

Dear Dark Lord Sauron,

How is invading the world of Men and Elves going so far? I have heard that the beginning of your reign over all of Middle-Earth is imminent, good luck on that. I, however, have a few issues I need to take up with you, if you are not too busy to afford me some attention on these matters. Being that we have a good working relationship and understanding due to your former lord and my mother having had a similar companionship in the past, I do believe my requests can be accommodated with the same respect they had for each other. Do not worry yourself; this will not be as great a favor as my mother did for The Great Lord Morgoth by sucking the life out of the Two Trees for Him. Think of it as repayment for the sending of my offspring to Mirkwood to hassle those pesky wood elves just for you.

Firstly, I have had some disagreements with your Witchking, Leader of the Nazgûl. He and I have come to blows concerning his supervision at Minas Morgul. It has become so aggravating that we no longer are on speaking terms. I, as his backup in the Ephel Dúath passes to Mordor, should at least be given the chance once in a while to snack on a waylaid Easterling or confused traveler. Mr. I-am-the-former-king-of-Angmar-hear-me-roar said that if it got out that people got through his watch and patrols: his evil and frightening reputation would be ruined. Could you please talk some sense into him?

On the subject of food, if it is not too much trouble, please ask your Orcs and Uruk-hai to find me some more pleasant things to eat? I know they love to throw their misbehaving troops and troublemakers into my lair for my meals, but the foul stench of their bodies is not very appetizing. The scent of fresh blood and meat is best, so I do not think it would be too much effort on their part to bring a few rabbits, boars, or even perhaps a bear for me to feast on once in a while. Speaking of which, that terrible, wretched thing you threw to me not too long ago was nothing but skin and bones! His insipid ramblings about "my precious" drove me toward insanity, so I made a deal with him to bring me some delicious food in return for letting him go. Although he was not any better at scavenging up something delectable for me than those dim-witted Orcs! His delivery was far more of a nuisance than it was worth.

Lastly, I have one more thing to bring to your attention that is of a more personal nature. As you know, I love a challenge with my prey when they truly think they can put up a fight and escape, but I would like a few things to better protect myself. I lost an eye recently and was stabbed badly. If you could send some medicaments as well, as have one of your ironworkers bring me a fake eye, I would absolutely be in your debt forever. That brings me to my next need: protection. The pesky creature who was supposed to bring me food gave me some rather tricky little people that I have never before laid eyes on and they managed to injure me! I need a visor to protect my eyes as well as have the shielding of the visor be darkened and tinted. The nasty run-in with those two dastardly creatures, one of whom was the one who stabbed me, also had an annoyingly bright, white-glowing bottle of light. It was so terrible: I nearly went _blind._ Please make the fake eye believable and the visor fashionable, I really need to keep up my ghoulish appearance.

Do let me know if any of these are out of the question and we could possibly work out some sort of middle-ground on any that are too much to ask for from you. Have fun storming the city, I will be watching and cheering!

Sincerely Yours,

Shelob


End file.
